Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Baby number 2

I am surrounded by the 2 under 2 crowd... Either all of my friends with children Ashlyn's age are pregnant with number 2 or just had number 2. Friends with children younger than Ashlyn are already on their way to the grand 2 under 2 title. I am in awe of these people. I was told that if you want 2 close together the best thing to do is get pregnant with the first before the second hits toddlerhood or else you will not have the desire, sanity, time to have another. I definitely feel like that is where we are right now. I feel like a horrible mom for saying I AM NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM ready for number 2. There are even days when I think I may not even want 2. Not because I don't absolutely love being a mom but I love what I have right now so much I don't want to mess with it!
When I first met my husband I wanted 4 kids. Coming from a family with only 2 kids I thought 4 would be double the fun! My husband comes from a family of 6 kids. He didn't tell me straight out that he wanted no more than 2 but let me experience big families for myself. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sister in laws but can totally see what he means about the chaos of big families. Especially one with as many women as we'd be bound to have given the track record of men in his family (he has 5 sisters, 10 nieces, all but one cousin is a girl). Now I think 2 would be just about right for us and our priorities. I look at how involved we are with Ashlyn and just don't want to impede on that any more than we have to. We love to travel and it's so much easier with one kid to each adult. Last time we went home we saw 2 parents with 3 kids hauling 5 suitcases, 2 carseats, a double stroller, and various loveys and blankies through the O'Hare airport.... no thank-you!
I am in no way critisizing people with large families. I think you are AMAZING! I just know what a difficult time I am having juggling work, bills, my marriage, my toddler, and other commitments and can't imagine how I could do it.
That being said we keep getting the "When is the next Poyer coming along?" question. Everyone else is ready for us to have another one. We are not ready... not at all... but we do have the game plan in place... Of course as soon as you get a plan in place you know what God does... he starts making you question... There is nothing to make you question the desire to limit the amount of children you have like holding a newborn.
Our friends Rebecca and Jason just had a little guy who is about a month old. Last week at church they sat next to us and she asked me if I wanted to hold him. Of course I jumped at the chance. A few minutes later she asked if I wanted her to take him back... if he was interrupting my "church time." I told her no way with tears welling up in my eyes... there is no closer time to God for me than holding a brand new baby. Before I was a mother I was scared to hold new babies. I remember my friend Danyelle when her little girl Haylee was born just over 5 lbs. I was TERRIFIED to hold her that day in the hospital. Now that I am a mother I jump at the chance to hold a new baby. The second I pulled little Julian to me I felt something in my chest open up as if I was taking him right into my heart. You've already read how strongly I feel that I am not ready... yet when I held this brand new baby... against everything I thought, my body and soul welcomed him... I can't describe the feeling... WOW!! POWERFUL! So although I know it will be best to stick to the current plan... Although I am cherishing every minute with my sweet little girl...I can now hear that clock ticking down to that time when I will be holding my own sweet baby again. I think the one thing that helps me hold out is that I know the next one is the last. As long as that baby is still in our future I don't have to see a baby and think "I will never have that again" I don't know how well I will do with that... For those of you that are done... how do you feel about that?


  1. A poem for you:

    I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I love another child as I love you?

    Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch at the pain you feel at having to share me, as you have never shared me before.

    I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in my own way; "I never can again." You cry; I cry with you. I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never have again.

    But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

    More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine, The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast, but something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.

    There are new times -- only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

    I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments, and I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

    And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love, there's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply. I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.

  2. Great blog. From the perspective of having two in two years this is what I can tell you. First of all...I did NOT plan on the second one as soon as she came. I love her to death, but a little more of an age gap would have been much more desirable. They are two years and one month apart. Life was a blur at first. My first child who wasn't ready to be done being a baby was shoved into "big" girl world at light speed. They don't stay babies long enough that pushing them isn't necessary, but when they are so close in age sometimes functionality wins. They are too young to truly understand why your attention has to go to a smaller less independent person. If you are unlucky like me you just might wind up on bedrest with the second pregnancy. That was no fun and made things very difficult for my 20 month old who didn't understand why mommy couldn't play with her or pick her up. Am I painting a sad picture? I hope so. I love both my daughters to pieces and I do my best to make up for it, but very very regularly Bryan and I have conversations about how much better it would have been to bring a newborn home to a 3 year old versus a 2 year old. A lot changes in just one year and that one year doesn't change how close they will be in the future. Going from zero to 1 was way easier than going from 1 to 2. For Sports people B and I describe it as going from zone defense to man to man. Even finding people to babysit is way easier if you have just one. So prepping is huge for that next jump from "child" to "children." WIth Liv approaching age 2 I too am with you on missing that sweet baby in your arms. We always said we wanted 3 and so the clock is ticking again for when we would want the 3rd (and probably last...sniff sniff)....this time we are going for 3 to 3.5 years apart from the last. So for now I attend the hospital rooms with new babies and smell their sweet smell and sigh and say its coming soon no rush :) It probably is best to stick with the plan. You will be so happy you did when your sweet Ashlyn can fully understand that a baby is coming, that she isn't one and you can have those sweet moments where she talks about the baby and can be an interactive participant. Keep up your blogs....I love reading them...you are obviously a very involved and great mom!

  3. I'm not ready for #2 either. You do what's right for your family. I have a friend who is about to give birth to #4 and all under 4. Yes I know I did the math. Yesterday my friend had clients who have 8 children. Your baby number 2 will be ready when you are.

  4. Listen, Mason will be six years old in less than a month and I'm JUST NOW even considering having another child. It's one of those I go back and forth on. I love our little family and I've worked my butt off to get us into this nice little groove we've finally found, but my little Mason wants a baby sister SO BAD! I'm just afraid my marriage (& intimate life =) ) is gonna back down the drain with the addition of another baby! Then again...I'm sure a baby girl would bring us SO much joy. Ann, good luck with your decision! I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help!

  5. I love having two kids, but it makes me sad to think that I won't have anymore. Part of me wishes I would have waited for the second just so I could delay that. Do what is right for your family. God has a plan for you and just stick to that, and you'll do great.

  6. Ann...I know I've shared bit and pieces with you, so I'll try not to be too repetitious. You know, there are times that I've thought, as others have, that perhaps Maddy being a bit older (for those who don't know, she was 16 months when her little brother was born) would have been a better deal. We didn't expect to get pregnant again as quickly as we did. That said; I wouldn't have it any other way. I truly believe that Tommy was the child we were supposed to have when we had him. Sure, logistical things are tough, but parenting is tough period (preaching to the choir!?!?). Seeing them start to interact and play together now is the BEST feeling ever. Sure there are days when I just lose my patience from incessant whining, but Maddy would be doing so whether Tommy was here or not. I guess the biggest challenges have come financially--most notably with my return to work has been daycare...EEK. We pay more for daycare monthly than we do for rent. Thankfully, God has provided and we are able to meet our obligations for the most part. I guess that would be my biggest suggestion--make sure you know what you want to do regarding being at home vs at work. If you choose to/have to work then make sure you can afford it. I SOOO wish we had family who could help with that not just for financial reasons, but just for my comfort as well. But you know that :) Don't feel like you have to rush things...baby Poyer #2 will come along just when he/she is supposed to...be it next month or next year. :) --And never say never..."one more" might mean something different next time...lol.

  7. Oh, and for inquiring minds who want to know...we'll probably start working on #3 when Tommy is 1 1/2 (he's 8 months now). I'm not really up for 3 under 3...but I guess we'll see what happens.