My biggest fan/fear...

So I found out my husband has read my blog... This set loose a whole mix of emotions. I was touched that he took the time to read it... but I was scared to death what he really thought for a few reasons. First of all I am talking about OUR LIFE, OUR FAMILY... I actually didn't run this by him before I posted it for all the world to see. Probably not the most considerate thing to do... But I was scared. Scared he'd think it was stupid, scared he'd be embarrassed about what I was sharing, scared he'd think it was just another thing on the computer taking away from family time (between FB, digital scrapbooking, and other various things Im on here ALOT more than I should be). But he did't say any of these things... In fact he didn't even mention it right away until I said something about a post I'd made and then he said he read it... My heart dropped... right in the middle of Yankee Candle... I held my breath for a minute. But all he said was "It was good." My husband is a man of few words so I am going to try to not read too far into it and just be satisfied that for now I have his seal of approval. We'll see what he thinks when a few of the other topics I have planned post :o) Just kidding honey!

Yankee Candle

So in my search for a scent I realized all of our candles are down to NOTHING so we need something for the house. I used to always burn sugar cookie... What is better than walking into a house that smells like sugar cookies??? Um I guess walking into a house that actually has fresh warm sugar cookies on the stove! So my husband requested that unless I plan on baking cookies every day that we go with something less disappointing. I agreed this time because there is no way I can stay on my diet if I am smelling cookies all day long!
When we first went on this diet months ago I lost 15 pounds easily! Then I plateaued... And then I forgot... And slowly a couple pounds crept back on... Since I never lost the additional 5-10 I wanted to get back closer to my pre-baby weight these extra few pounds were a huge disappointment! So back on it is! I'm on day 2 and its WAY harder this time for some reason! Maybe because before we were doing it more for Erik's health to get his blood pressure down and now it's just me doing it for my own vain reasons... (and because I can't afford to buy more clothes AGAIN). The diet is the DASH diet. It's really for hypertension to lower blood pressure but it worked so well and I felt so good. Many of you know both of my parents had their first heart attacks at age 40 so it is a good thing for me to watch my sodium intake as well. The DASH diet is high in fruits and veggies as well as whole grains and low on red meat and sodium. In fact less than 1500 mg of salt a day! There isn't a thing on the menu at TGI Fridays that meets that requirement so eating out is tough (let me remind you I live in the city with the best food on earth)! But 15 pounds in a month and a half with only 2 pounds back on 6 months later... I can handle that!
So back to Yankee Candle. We decided that the smell of fruit through the house will encourage us to eat more fruits... that makes sense right? The smell of cookies encouraged us to eat cookies so the smell of fresh fruit will encourage us to eat fruit... So we decided on Pineapple Cilantro. Cilantro is also one of my FAV things to cook with on this diet! I LOVE it! So this is win win! I'll let you know how it works out! I may be writing the next best selling diet book... Losing Weight Through your Senses.... Hmmm...

Judgement

So I have had a revelation of sorts. It happened a while back. We went to a new church (it's actually the church Erik went to as a child), and as we were walking in we saw teenagers in sweats and pj's, we saw people in shorts, we saw people in things I no longer wear to bars. I had to do a double take and make sure we were actually at a Catholic Church! As we got over the shock and the sermon began, I became more and more ashamed. By the end I was looking down at my lap... The sermon had been about judging others. Wow was that hitting home or what?!? So over the next few days I really thought about that sermon. So many things that we judge about people they really can't help or aren't at a place they can help it. I don't think anyone stops and says "Yep I think I want to be fat and unhealthy." People can't help going bald early, they can't change the physical characteristics they were given. But these are things we judge! There is a reason for everything and we don't know why someone does what they do... Being negative about it just brings down my mood! So for my own sanity, when there is a car that cuts me off I try to think of all the reasons they might do that... rushing to a sick child, pregnant wife, late for the most important meeting of their life... Is this probably the reason? No probably not, but it makes me feel better and has really changed my outlook on life. Am I saying I don't judge... things still pop in my head but I am quicker to stop and say "Who am I to judge this person?" Try it for a day... turn everything into a positive. Smile at the person that cuts you off in line... slow down and appreciate the little things and I promise you will feel so much better!

The one thing that gets me though are people who think they are morally above others who judge others they deem to not be religious enough or who make bad choices. And I'm just talking about day to day issues, not really serious crimes. Holding themselves above others and judging other's decisions. What church do you go to? Have they not taught you that you are no better? Have they not taught you to be tolerant? I just don't get that!

I have a friend who is in the ministry. He even performed our wedding ceremony. He has seen me through some of my lowest times in terms of bad decisions. I tried to think back to a time that he has ever judged me and could not think of a single time that he has (at least not outright, :o) that I know of). The most he ever said was "I'm worried about you." I'd expect that of any friend. I have so much respect for him and the work he does because of this. I also know that no matter what I can go to him and get guidance without being judged! I have another friend who is a preacher's wife. She is AMAZING with all the hats she wears, mom (to 3), teacher (she homeschools and teaches dance), social worker (she did hospice work!!!), vet (she has a bunch of puppies looking for homes), blogger (check her out http://encouragementfromemily.blogspot.com/)... the list goes on and on. But she is not afraid to reveal at all times her weaknesses in these areas and to ask for strength... these are the things that I admire most about her. Here is this person I look up to so much and have for many years and she is JUST LIKE ME! She is stumbling through this mom business too! As busy as she is she never fails to give words of encouragement and praise and I love her for it! These are the people I strive to be like. I have a long way to go but I hope someday people describe me as encouraging, tolerant, accepting, and through all this HAPPY!

The battle of the goldfish...

I was just looking in my pantry for a snack and found not one, not two, but three open bags of goldfish crackers! Why you ask do we have three open bags?!? No it is not because we each have our own bags... It is because somedays it is the only way I can get through a shopping trip with a happy child. Target is very strategic with their placing of goldfish crackers... They have little milk carton looking goldfish snack boxes randomly throughout the store... shopping for a shower curtain, feel hungry? Here have some goldfish! Target knows there isn't a toddler alive that can pass goldfish and not scream for them! And the mom sees this little carton and thinks 2 dollars... that is totally worth 10 minutes without shouting "bottoms stay in the cart!" or "Lets practice using our inside voices" about 5 million times!
Lately however Target (and various other stores) have been stocking bags of goldfish crackers as close to the entrance of the store as they can without actually selling them from the parking lot. So we never make it to home goods for the cute little cartons... I start hearing "pish pish" the moment we walk in the door. If I continue walking she starts into a louder "cacker pish, cacker pish" and I know well enough to know not to let it turn into screaming and crying. I don't want to reward bad behavior you know. I break down and open a bag of crackers and we are both happy as we continue our shopping trip.
There are two kinds of cashiers in this world. Those with children and those without. Those with children give me a knowing smile as they ring up the open, half eaten bag of goldfish. Those without give a not so discrete look saying "Lady if those spill on the floor it is all you cleaning it up."
A few months ago our pediatrician suggested we remove all crackers and snacks from Ashlyn's diet to try to get her to increase her intake at meals and gain weight. Is SHE CRAZY??? She says she has 4 kids... so maybe that's it... they have either totally pushed her over the edge or mommy brain has allowed her to forget what life with a toddler is like! What does she expect me to feed my child? She's going to waste away to nothing!
We did ok for the first day. All of the crackers were gotten rid of in the house and after a little withdrawl and bribery we were finally breathing easier. We can do this! Then came the first trip out... try to keep a toddler away from crackers and the will pop up everywhere! Places that don't even sell food... sell crackers!!! Menards (like a Home Depot or Lowe's for my FL friends) sells goldfish crackers! Seriously... who goes to buy a lawn mower and thinks... I better stock up on carbs to get me through this job?!? I've decided it's because I am SUPPOSED to give my child these treats to get through day to day life with my sanity and the sanity of those around us.
The last bag of open goldfish crackers I brought home, I started to hide in the back of the cabinet. I am trying to pretend to be super mom and didn't want my husband to see I, SUPER MOM, resort to carbohydrate bribery with our child. As I did though I saw a bag back there already... Hmmm... so I asked my husband about it and he admitted sheepishly that he had bought them recently to get through a trip to the grocery store! I never thought a bag of goldfish crackers could make me feel closer to him but it was just another reminder that we are in this together!

"Mama"

I had the sweetest moment with my little one a few minutes ago... She was supposed to be sleeping but I heard a little voice call out "mama" I went in and she patted for me to lay down with her and put her little hand up to the side of my face and again sweetly said "mama" I said "uh huh mama's here" She repeated "uh huh" and kept repeating it while rubbing my face until she fell asleep. It was so precious...this little reassurance to herself that of course mommy was there. It was one of those moments you just wish you had on video.. makes me jealous of Kate Gosselin (until I remember what a mess her life is now). Sometimes I just wish that I had a camera crew following me around so I would never forget these moments... But that would mean the whole world would see me burning dinner, screaming at the dogs, and blog stalking just long enough to have my 19 mo. old decorate my favorite chair with crayons...

Moments like these also just make me think. I know that someday this sweet little girl will shout something along the lines of "You are ruining my life" or "You just don't get it." I know this because I shouted these things at my mom many many times. All daughters do it... and there was my mom so strong to my face when I know I was breaking her heart. Hopefully she was able to think to herself... someday you will have a little girl and you will know how much I love you. I know that's what I will be reminding myself when that day comes... for now I will just cherish this little girl that thinks I hang the moon, time is too short to worry about the future!

A Mom smell...

Ever had someone walk by that smelled so good you wanted to chase her down in Target and ask what her perfume is so you can go smell exactly like that? My house growing up had a smell... It was the yummiest most comforting smell. I'm not exactly sure what it was, a mix between some kind of cinnamon potpurri, oranges with cloves in it, and coffee. My sister and I have been trying to recapture it for years with little success... I could walk into the house blindfolded and know I was HOME! I want that for my family. Smells are so sentimental to me. I have smells that take me back to every time in my life, I'm sure you do too. My childhood is that HOME smell... still to this day if I smell the right potpurri I am taken right back to 1987... If I smell Sunflowers perfume I am in the middle of the hallway at Everitt Middle School. If I smell Tommy by Tommy Hilfiger it is Freshmen year of high school all over. Still to this day if I am not in the mood to go out to celebrate a friends birthday or something else social (oh how life has changed that I need a perfume to get pumped up about having a few beers), all I have to do is spray the body spray I wore freshmen year of college. The smell of that makes me long for wild nights and adventure! Clinque Happy reminds me of first dating my husband and our first Valentines day when he bought me a bottle.
But all of those perfumes as much as I love them... are not a MOM smell... at least not to me... So I am on the hunt for my mom smell.. At first I thought mom's should smell yummy... So I went on Bath and Body Works website and ordered Country Apple. For good measure I bought their Vanilla shampoo... Isn't that what a mom should smell like??? Apples and Vanilla? Erik didn't really like it...so it's back to the drawing board! I'm going to be a mom for the rest of my life so I need something really good! Maybe I'll revamp my smell when I'm a grandma... maybe they smell like apples and vanilla but for now I need a classic smell... my daughter needs to be able to walk by someone in 2070 and be instantly brought back to her childhood thinking oh my gosh My MOM!
Anyone have any suggestions? Anyone think I'm crazy to have this obsession or to be putting so much thought into it? Anyone have their own mom smell? Don't worry I won't steal it... I don't want Ashlyn thinking that smells like Mrs. so and so! It has to be uniquely mine... darn it... I didn't think it would be this hard....

Letting go...

Ok so it was just for an hour... and we were a few hundred feet away but I still cried. I know pathetic! Up until now Bear has never been out of one of our sights except with family. Since she will be starting daycare in just a few weeks (oh it hurt my heart just to type that) we figured we should ease her in and put her in the nursery at church today. We lingered around slowly backing away whispering to each other what the game plan was for leaving... after about 10 min. when Bear was playing all by herself we told her mommy and daddy would be back in a little bit and to have fun playing. She hardly looked up... not a good bye kiss or wave... nothing... As the door closed and I peeked in at our little baby (ok so she's not really a baby anymore) the tears started coming. Surprisingly Erik didn't tell me I was being silly or laugh at me as I thought he would... maybe it was a little tough on daddy too...
After the service we tried to hurry through the good mornings and how are you's to get back to Bear... Did she run over with a big smile on her face? Give us big hugs and tell us never to leave her again? Burst out in tears? Nope none of the above. She glanced up and said "pizza" she was having a wonderful time playing with the pizza in the play kitchen. It was as if I had been folding laundry in the next room and just came to check on her. This was a new church, a new nursery, new kids, but I guess the new kitchen outweighed all of this. She doesn't even play with her kitchen at home! I found out the reason for that as well though! I asked for a piece of pizza and she went back to the kitchen found a plate, put the pizza on it, and delivered it nicely. She repeated this for everyone else that wanted pizza. Somehow my little angel has learned this social skill of putting food on plates! No wonder she hasn't played in her kitchen, I haven't gotten around to getting her dishes yet... I guess it's off to the store to get some. I wonder if there is any chance she will then play with her kitchen at home for an hour so I can actually fold that laundry in the other room???