Monday, January 2, 2012

Going back to work...

makes me want to be sick. I love what I do. I truly do. I miss every one of my students. I love my co-workers and the school I work at. I have always said I would make a terrible stay at home mom. My husband told me tonight how he knows I will be much happier when I am back at work. How come none of these things make me feel any better?
First of all I know how incredibly blessed I am that I have my mom to watch my sweet baby (and my sweet preschoolers in the afternoons). I can't think of a better person to watch her. Bees loves my mom to death. Her first smile was at my mom. When I couldn't get her to stop crying in the height of colic she would quiet immediately for my mom. I worry that she won't tell me if it gets to be too much for her. I worry she will resent how much time she spends helping us out.
I have to stop myself from feeling that it isn't fair that I spent 2 1/2 months at home with a colicky baby and now that she is smiling and interacting I have to hand her over for someone else to enjoy all day. I have to remind myself that the reason I was able to stay home with her then is that that is when she needed me the very most and only now is she at a place I can hand her care over to someone else (not that I was alone that whole time, my mom has been by my side almost every day).
I worry about work... Not about being an SLP. I know I can handle that. But being an SLP or any specialist in a school really starts to suck about January. This is when all the new referrals come in, caseloads grow, evaluations and meetings peak, and morale plummets. It doesn't help that today was the coldest day of the winter so far (5 degrees with the wind chill for my Florida friends). Instead of being prepared for this and knowing what I'm going into tomorrow... I have no idea where any of my students are... No lesson plans ready (kinds hard to do lesson plans when I don't know where the kids are at) and about 5 IEP meetings that I need to do paperwork for by Thursday.
The last reason I'm bummed is I didn't accomplish nearly half of the things I wanted while on break. I am more behind than ever on my scrapbooks, my maternity clothes are still in my closet and my pre-baby clothes are still in boxes (not hat thy would fit), I never attended any meet ups with the moms group, my house is a disaster, and my car is a mess. I will miss lazy mornings snuggling with my baby... I will miss fun afternoons with Bear, playing dolls and watching her shows.
I'm just not ready... But I don't know if I will ever be! The one good thing is that unlike the last time I was at work... After a long stressful day I can enjoy a nice big glass of wine... If anyone chats with my husband and would like to help a girl out... Suggest he bring a bottle home with him after work tomorrow. I would greatly appreciate it!

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