You clearly don't have kids...

*Disclaimer*- As this blog post is titled "You clearly don't have kids" if you do not have kids you may want to avoid this post while eating, if you have a weak stomach, if you do not like to hear about the more disgusting parts of parenting... etc... I am not responsible for any food left unfinished as a result of reading this post during a meal...

I LOVE the fact that I can literally just grab and go these days. No more 20 lb. diaper bag that weighs more than the baby. All I really need to get through a shopping trip is a diaper, wipes, and maybe some fruit snacks or M&M's. Sometimes I actually don't even bring those things if we are just running out. It is amazing. I better enjoy it while it lasts since I am at the most 17 weeks from pulling that monster diaper bag back out of the closet... That's one part I am NOT looking forward to.
My mom and sister came over and we grabbed Bear, the very small adorable kitty cat satchel that serves as our diaper bag now and left for the mall. I didn't even think to check it because we were just running out for a little while. After walking around for a few minutes my sister goes "WHAT IS THAT SMELL??" My child who usually informs anyone and everyone (at a very loud volume usually in the food court) about all bodily functions she makes, had not informed us this time. I did the classic mom/butt sniff... yeah classy I know... and confirmed yes it was definitely her. We can't go to the beautiful family changing room that has a vending machine for anything you might ever need (diapers, wipes, fruit snacks, pacifiers, match box cars, you name it, it's in there!) because they so kindly put it next to the kid play area. Now I know that seems to make sense, kids play there so we will make it convenient to have the changing rooms there. To a mom this was the worst engineering possible. I do not come to the mall to spend 3 hours in kiddie play land. I do everything I can to avoid this wing of the mall and no longer shop at some of my favorite stores just in case she sees it and wants to play for 3 hours. Terrible I know. I actually have a game plan for navigating around this area. So I am NOT going to go use those changing tables. I end up going into the closest department store which of course has the bathrooms the furthest from the downstairs door as possible. When I get in there I realize this is not your average poopy diaper. This is a complete blowout! Since I have not had to deal with blowouts in at least a year I start to panic... I start talking to myself a little reminding myself how to navigate with the least mess possible. I open the diaper bag and see ONE wipe. Yes there is ONE wipe left... Lovely.... I try to use it as efficiently as possible but lets be honest ONE wipe is no match for this diaper. (Feel free to check out now if you are more than grossed out). So I begin wetting paper towels and using those as wipes. but I didn't wring them out enough and lets just say it wasn't clear water that dripped all over her clothes. So I get her naked. Attempt to give my 2 year old a sink bath, get a diaper on her, breathe, and head out to find her clothes. So hear I am walking around the children's department with a naked 2 year old (ok she had on a diaper and shoes, my coat in my arms (because I am not 100% sure I didn't get some on there), her dirty clothes in my hand because I can't risk putting them in her bag and contaminating her fruit snacks in case there is another meltdown (besides mine) and I need them for reinforcements, and my keys, wallet, (but no cell phone so I couldn't call for back up)... I am a frazzled hot mess! In the baby department I frantically search and search for SOMETHING in my daughters size. I asked the sales clerk where 24 month clothes are and she looks at me like Im crazy. At the time I thought maybe they were right in front of my face and I just missed them but I realized no I probably really looked crazy. Finally I found ONE little jumper thing and went to check out. I immediately started pulling off tags and dressing my poor child. Then I asked her for a bag for the old clothes (that are nicely bundled up and not visibly disgusting). She says "bags are for purchases" I kindly reminded her that I had just paid more than I would like for an outfit I don't even like because it was the ONLY ONE in my child's size in her entire department so I believe I have purchased enough to qualify for a small plastic shopping bag. She huffed at me and literally gave me the smallest bag they had. Maybe she thought I had said I needed 2 mo. size clothes and thats why she was confused earlier. As I'm walking out, trying to hold my head high... I hear her mutter Oh MY God.. under her breath. Go ahead cute 24 year old girl. I was where you are 6 years ago... thinking I will never be that mom... well guess what... I am almost past my blowout diaper days (well at least for this child) you have many more in your future (unless you don't have children which right now I don't think is a bad idea)... So I toast to you... may your blowouts always be at home, may you always have enough diapers, wipes, and spare clothes, and may you never be judged for things you can't control! Cheers!