D-Day....

Today was D-Day... Daycare day... we've been calling it school at our house... Somehow this made me feel better but lets face it she's 20 months old... it's daycare. Now I didn't actually have to go to work today. I know I know... here is a day I have been dreading for months... (actually since the moment I found out I was pregnant and knew I was in the middle of a masters degree that I had all intention of using)... and I didn't even HAVE to take her yet!
I gave myself a test drive day... a trial.. to see if I could actually get it all together enough to get her there on time. I wanted to see exactly how long it would take me to get there at 8 in the morning (8 minutes)... But most importantly I wanted to see how long it would take me to get it back together... I knew that at my first meeting for my new job it would not be the best first impression if I was hysterically sobbing with snot running down my face... I am not a pretty crier at all!
Thank goodness I did... I was in such a rush that I took a shower and got dressed before I changed her diaper and got her dressed so of COURSE her diaper leaked all over me and I had to start all over! SERIOUSLY? Have I not been a mom for 20 months now? Do I not know that I have to change her IMMEDIATELY in the morning? Once we got all that in order and I chased her down to get her dressed we headed to school.
This morning I thought I would just hang out with her, let her get adjusted and then maybe step out and watch from the window, and MAYBE after an hour leave to do some errands... That was not how it went...
When I bought our dog Ruby years ago I took our "first child" Doak with me to the pet store. We played with the puppy for hours and I am not exaggerating. He LOVED her. They played non-stop. I called Erik and told him about it and he said go ahead and get her. We got her home and Doak HATED her! This is what I think happened today! Every time we took Ashlyn to see her new school she LOVED it... She played right away and didn't want to leave. Today... not so much!
Ms. Maria took her to wash her hands when we first arrived and she started hysterically crying. I could already tell this wasn't going to go well. Finally Ms. Maria told me it would be best to just hand off and go. So instead of staying I had to leave my screaming baby in the hands of a stranger. The director said I could come watch her from the office. So we stood and watched Ms. Maria carry her around on this big flat screen TV. I would have been impressed with the TV had I not been doing everything possible to hold it all in. There is nothing more heartwrenching than watching your child cry and not be able to comfort them...On top of that I am standing with the director and I felt I just couldn't cry yet because I had to look like I had it all together... Really Ann? Is this the time to worry about being "the perfect mom" The director is probably thinking... "Man what a cold mom" Finally after about 10 minute she stopped crying. I had to leave right then before she started again and I might never leave. The door wasn't closed before I was crying harder than she ever did. As I stumbled to the car I realized I had walked to the passenger side. I am just so used to putting her in first. Then when the car started Barney lyrics started blaring... that made me cry even harder. I thought my mom would make me feel better but that made me cry even more. I called Erik to tell him what happened and at this point I was so hysterical he couldn't understand a word I was saying. I managed to get through a few errands and rushed back to get her. The director met me at the door to tell me how well she did... yeah right lady! Move on over... I know you are just saying that... so we went back to the class and there through the glass I could not only see my happy smiling baby but hear her as well. She was playing with farm animals and singing at the top of her voice. I went in and she was dancing to If You're Happy and You Know It... Stomping her little heart out... and smiling...
Ms. Maria said she even ate breakfast (she never does at home) and that she spent most of the morning testing out how each little girl played (there were 5 little girls in her class)and exploring the classroom. She continued to play for a few minutes while we talked and then came over and I heard the familiar "up baby" that usually drives me crazy... but this time it melted my heart!
I was convinced that she had so much fun that she wouldn't need me anymore so I asked her "Do you want to go to school tomorrow and play with your new friends?" and she told me "oh no! Mama stay!" awww my sweet angel. So I asked "What about to play with all the animals?" she looked at me for a second then smiled and said "UH HUH" (in her cute little Elvis accent) "but no kids!"

Ashlyn on her first day of "school"

The skeleton in my closet...

I am going to reveal to you something that very very very few people know about... In fact the only people I think that know are my husband, a friend from high school, and my mother... On second thought my sister probably knows too because anything one of us knows the rest know.
The panic attacks have begun. Yep there's my dark secret. I have had panic attacks since high school. For anyone that thought IB and all the activities of high school were just a breeze for me...There ya go. I would curl up in a ball in terror unable to face the idea of the next exam... activity... stressor... They were always stress related. After that they went away for a long time. I went to FSU and majored in Child Development... nothing was that stressful. In the last few years, I started having them again. This time they stem from completely irrational fears about something happening to my family. If my husband goes out with friends without me I can go into a full blown panic attack by the time he gets home. When we were flying home to Florida for Ashlyn's first birthday I finally revealed this to Erik... I had gotten unbearable to be around the days leading up. This was because I was trying to fight it all alone. I had spoken to my mom but she wasn't there. She actually had no idea I'd hidden them so well. As I started panicking about getting on the plane my amazing husband talked me down. He said he totally knew that the stress from planning everything, working, money, etc... was getting to me but hadn't realized how bad it was... that the idea of getting on that plane made me feel like I couldn't breathe. That I had a constant stream of plane crash scenarios running through my head.. each one more horrific than the last. Now, if he is around, I can usually get through them or at least it's easier than it was on my own. I spoke to my doctor who has given me medication... The problem is that if he's with me I can do OK without medicating myself. If he isn't than I have Ashlyn to take care of and can't be that out of it...
So now that you know my history... now that it's out in the open... They are back. I don't want to share any of the details. They all revolve around giving up the care of my child to someone I hardly know. Many of my good friends, and I know readers of this blog, are about to do the same thing. I don't want to put any scenarios in your head that you may not have thought of yet. But last night I lay awake frozen playing these scenarios over and over. I can work myself into quite a frenzy. I know I need to talk to Erik about it but I don't want to scare him either. I know that's silly because he is one of the most rational men I know and would totally show me the statistics of my fears and how irrational they are. The problem is, I guess, that I don't want to be told that they are irrational because there are parents out there that have been that one in a million to have it happen to their child. I really don't know how I'm going to get through the first week..I hope that as I build more rapport with her teachers, I will develop more trust, but people are human and things happen... I don't know if I am accomplishing anything good by getting these feeling out in the open. I hope I am not worrying anyone else. Please don't worry about me I will be fine... Just know that I may be going through some tough times here in the next few weeks as Ashlyn starts daycare. Thank you all for your understanding and support. It means so much to me to have this outlet and such supportive friends. I love you all!